Here's my entry to the CCGB weekly cartoon competition

It came third! Have a look here if you want to see the other entries.

Originally Published in Foghorn

The sap’s rising, the sukebind’s in flower and the news is telling us there’s going to be a right royal wedding. So, welcome to the Foghorn Potting Shed! Blushing in the borders are Binky Homebrew, Euphorbia Marmelade and Gordon Honkmonster. Our chairman, Alan Goatrouser, is the one with his right hand stuffed down his left wellington boot, claiming to have dropped his wedding ring.

We just have the one query today - but it’s one close to the heart of the nation, and is sent to us by Philippa Moonhowler of Quatford.

“Well, I was putting together a bridal bouquet for my sister and thought it would be good to follow the proper ‘Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue’ theme, all traditional-like, you know? So I put together this really ace bouquet, which had the following stuff in it:

- Some dried-out banana skins along with some daffs which someone had given my mum and she’d forgotten to water and they’d gone all brown and wrinkly and looked even older than mum and these would do great for the ‘something old’ bit.

- Then my next brainwave was when I spotted some nice dandelions which had self-seeded in the compost and had opened only that morning. Bingo! Just the thing to count as ‘something new’!

- ‘Something borrowed’, well I had to think about this one I don’t mind saying and I was going to put them back, really I was, but the nicest flowers in our cul-de-sac were already growing in my sister’s front garden. But I didn’t think she’d notice the bald patch given that she’d be going on honeymoon to Margate in the afternoon. So bits of her herbaceous border joined the daffs and the dandelions and right royal they looked, too.

‘Something blue’, yeah well this was a bit tricky to begin with and then I remembered that Stilton at the back of the fridge and stuck it in chunks on some planting canes. In a way this was also a bit of borrowing being that the canes come from next door’s garden.

Well of course I didn’t give the bouquet to my sister until the last minute so it would be a surprise but she didn’t look very pleased. But that was nothing compared to what happened when she threw the bouquet into the air to see who was going to get married next. I don’t want to go on about it, but can I have your advice on the following matters:

What should I put in the bouquet next time my sister gets married (probably in a couple of months time)?

What flowers should I take to the hospital when I visit that lady that got hit by the bouquet, and the bloke who had the unfortunate incident with the banana skin and the portable baptismal font?

What’s the best way of getting planting canes out of a church organ’s pipes?”

Dear Agony Auntie,

I have just been dumped. On average, how long does it take a turd to relinquish his dumpee status?

Yours,

U.F.O. Ploppadum

Federation of Holistic Therapists now involved in Fish Care!

I've just received an email from the Federation of Holistic Therapists (a little-known sideline of mine is that I rub clients down with nice-smelling oily rags) advertising fish pedicures!

My first thought was of mermaids and chorus lines, all that, and then I looked at the picture:

So it looks as though they weren't actually going to give all those fish pedicures anyway! (Wasn't sure whether this would have taken a long time or not, really).

However, the email did make it clear that the FHT are not willing at this moment in time to provide insurance for our little piscine friends.

Dear Agony Auntie,

Everywhere I go, people ignore me. Sometimes the odd dog responds to my presence by cocking its leg against my lime green cords.

I bet nobody responds to this problem either.

Yours,

Gerbil Scrote

Illustration Friday - Cultivate!

Why not cheer up your washing and bathing time by cultivating bean sprouts on your face flannel?

Dear Agony Auntie,

I've recently joined a dating website and I received the following email from someone who I think is a man:

HELLO.
MY NAME IS
FRANK
FROM NIG.

i am frank, son of governor of lagos state of nig.
i am looking for any bank manager over there to contact i want to
have savice acconut over there i am coming over there soon to stay
and invest my money be fore then i need a bank manager that i can
have his acconut number let me transfer all my money to him for my
savice accont over there before i come over there pls if ur a bank
manager and you can do if for me pls contact me by mail or phoen
number(+2348030535289)i have ($1,hundredand fiftymillion) to transfer
to you 4 my starting savice acconut over there so contact me let us ga2
talk about it
so bye and god bless you from fr.son.

And then the following day I got the same email. He hasn't sent a photo. Do you think he's actually emailing all the women on that website? Do you think he's faithful to me?

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Susie Moonhowler, BSc (Hons)

xxx