Originally Published in Foghorn

The sap’s rising, the sukebind’s in flower and the news is telling us there’s going to be a right royal wedding. So, welcome to the Foghorn Potting Shed! Blushing in the borders are Binky Homebrew, Euphorbia Marmelade and Gordon Honkmonster. Our chairman, Alan Goatrouser, is the one with his right hand stuffed down his left wellington boot, claiming to have dropped his wedding ring.

We just have the one query today - but it’s one close to the heart of the nation, and is sent to us by Philippa Moonhowler of Quatford.

“Well, I was putting together a bridal bouquet for my sister and thought it would be good to follow the proper ‘Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue’ theme, all traditional-like, you know? So I put together this really ace bouquet, which had the following stuff in it:

- Some dried-out banana skins along with some daffs which someone had given my mum and she’d forgotten to water and they’d gone all brown and wrinkly and looked even older than mum and these would do great for the ‘something old’ bit.

- Then my next brainwave was when I spotted some nice dandelions which had self-seeded in the compost and had opened only that morning. Bingo! Just the thing to count as ‘something new’!

- ‘Something borrowed’, well I had to think about this one I don’t mind saying and I was going to put them back, really I was, but the nicest flowers in our cul-de-sac were already growing in my sister’s front garden. But I didn’t think she’d notice the bald patch given that she’d be going on honeymoon to Margate in the afternoon. So bits of her herbaceous border joined the daffs and the dandelions and right royal they looked, too.

‘Something blue’, yeah well this was a bit tricky to begin with and then I remembered that Stilton at the back of the fridge and stuck it in chunks on some planting canes. In a way this was also a bit of borrowing being that the canes come from next door’s garden.

Well of course I didn’t give the bouquet to my sister until the last minute so it would be a surprise but she didn’t look very pleased. But that was nothing compared to what happened when she threw the bouquet into the air to see who was going to get married next. I don’t want to go on about it, but can I have your advice on the following matters:

What should I put in the bouquet next time my sister gets married (probably in a couple of months time)?

What flowers should I take to the hospital when I visit that lady that got hit by the bouquet, and the bloke who had the unfortunate incident with the banana skin and the portable baptismal font?

What’s the best way of getting planting canes out of a church organ’s pipes?”