Ho ho ho ... my ****!

Dear Agony Auntie,

My search for love did not abate during the festive season. However, the one man I set my sights on seemed to be a very generous type. I admired the testosterone evident in his rampant facial undergrowth. His sack was HUGE, if you know what I mean. But he seemed to be preoccupied with kiddies, rather than me.

Was he a paedophile, or was Santa's Grotto a not quite right venue to be seeking 'Mr Right'? Are all men like this?

Yours,

The Lady In The Cartoon On Here Dated 26th September
xxx

Here's a bit of Christmas Cheer before I migrate south for the winter ...

Merry Christmas to all the long-suffering, do-gooding so-and-sos who visit this blog. Wishing you a boozy, dissolute Christmas with a good line in hangover cures!


'While shepherds watched their clocks by night
All seated on the ground
An angel of the Lord came down
But no-one turned around!'

But, then, what would be the point of having three clocks if they all told the same time?

Illustration Friday - Voices

'The Grand old Duke of York
Had ten thousand men
He marched them up to the top of the hill
And marched them down again'

There has been much interest recently in diagnosing the mental problems of historic characters; it is fairly certain that it was voices inside the head of the Grand Old Duke which urged him to engage in such pointless activities at others' expense. Probably the fact that the initials of his title spell 'G.O.D.' didn't help him much, either!

Illustration Friday - Rambunctious

The teacher of class 10A didn't know what 'rambunctious' meant. So she went to look it up in the dictionary, with little success because it was propping up a wall from which one of the pupils had removed a brick to lob at one of his classmates.

While her back was turned, however, her pupils were demonstrating 'the word in action'.

Illustration Friday - Similar

Some organisms have developed a defence whereby they openly display a warning signal to POTENTIAL PREDATORS!!! This sub-species of herring is a good example:



This is so effective that similar organisms will try to imitate the characteristics of the first one to come up with such a jolly good wheeze! This sub-sub-species of herring is doing his best:



In truth, both these fish are very rare, their survival depending as it does on a certain level of literacy in their predators.

No Sex Please - we're Puritans

Dear Agony Auntie,

I've tried the gym, fishing, Dr Who, football and a war veteran's society. 'Put yourself out there'! they all say.

But all the men I meet these days have very definite ideas on what clothes I should wear, right down to my underwear, how I should do my hair and my place in the household. They address me as 'Mistress' (though there's no activity on THAT front - all mouth and no trousers as they are!). Are all men like this, or was joining a Cromwellian Re-enactment Society a bad idea?


Yours,

The Lady In The Cartoon On Here Dated 26th September
xxx