Dear Agony Auntie,

I have just been dumped. On average, how long does it take a turd to relinquish his dumpee status?

Yours,

U.F.O. Ploppadum

Federation of Holistic Therapists now involved in Fish Care!

I've just received an email from the Federation of Holistic Therapists (a little-known sideline of mine is that I rub clients down with nice-smelling oily rags) advertising fish pedicures!

My first thought was of mermaids and chorus lines, all that, and then I looked at the picture:

So it looks as though they weren't actually going to give all those fish pedicures anyway! (Wasn't sure whether this would have taken a long time or not, really).

However, the email did make it clear that the FHT are not willing at this moment in time to provide insurance for our little piscine friends.

Dear Agony Auntie,

Everywhere I go, people ignore me. Sometimes the odd dog responds to my presence by cocking its leg against my lime green cords.

I bet nobody responds to this problem either.

Yours,

Gerbil Scrote

Illustration Friday - Cultivate!

Why not cheer up your washing and bathing time by cultivating bean sprouts on your face flannel?

Dear Agony Auntie,

I've recently joined a dating website and I received the following email from someone who I think is a man:

HELLO.
MY NAME IS
FRANK
FROM NIG.

i am frank, son of governor of lagos state of nig.
i am looking for any bank manager over there to contact i want to
have savice acconut over there i am coming over there soon to stay
and invest my money be fore then i need a bank manager that i can
have his acconut number let me transfer all my money to him for my
savice accont over there before i come over there pls if ur a bank
manager and you can do if for me pls contact me by mail or phoen
number(+2348030535289)i have ($1,hundredand fiftymillion) to transfer
to you 4 my starting savice acconut over there so contact me let us ga2
talk about it
so bye and god bless you from fr.son.

And then the following day I got the same email. He hasn't sent a photo. Do you think he's actually emailing all the women on that website? Do you think he's faithful to me?

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Susie Moonhowler, BSc (Hons)

xxx

Magical Force Field around My Car!

Well - today I found that there was an uncanny, mystical force which surrounded my motor. Whenever I (or rather the car, with me at the helm) approached a green traffic light, it would hurriedly go amber, then quickly red - AND STAY LIKE THAT FOR EXTENDED PERIODS OF TIME!!! I noticed this weird phenomenon no fewer than 62 times before I jolly well got fed up and jumped a red light. Fnarr.

Here is a picture of a car which looks a bit like mine, but much cleaner. And without all the maps, I expect.

Illustration Friday - Stir!!!

You really shouldn't be stirring things up with a man carrying a custard pie ...

cripes, this colour scheme's terrible. Must do something quick!