Dear Agony Auntie,

I feel that some of the problems I have in relationships are due to my name.

How might I become more of a smoothie?

Yours,

Rocky
xxx

Illustration Friday - Adapt

In the animal kingdom, it is very important to adapt to prevailing conditions ...

Dear Agony Auntie,

I thought I'd let you know of a success story. Suddenly, I have everything I want in life: a lovely wife, a lovely daughter, a (sort of) career as a cartoonist.

All I needed to do was to take off that disgusting pinny whose stains had become completely encrusted as it hadn't been washed for 42.5 years. That's all it took! And suddenly I'm attractive to women!

I thought I'd share this on the Internet, so you can let your other readers know to wash their clothes once in a while if they want to be attractive to the opposite sex. It worked for me!

Yours,

(I'm a bit bashful about revealing my name. Let's just say it's got three letters and begins with 'T')

xxx

Palimpsest - definition thereof

(n) palimpsest: a manuscript (usually written on papyrus or parchment) on which more than one text has been written with the earlier writing incompletely erased and still visible.

Note that this only says usually papyrus or parchment.

Now the manuscript we are discussing here actually started life as a fairly ordinary floral pinny. Then it met Tim Leatherbarrow. His life was subsequently recorded on it in the form of stains, each one containing a fragment, a morsel, of the event which caused it. A sense of decency leaves me unable to comment on those relating to his first date, the time he gave birth to his first child and the ones which arose before he became potty-trained.

But some of them bear further scrutiny ... his first cartoon, his early gardening exploits, the day he first met Marigold Gloves (aaaah!), the first time he got involved in a fight at his local ...

So you understand the biographical, not to mention biological, importance of this pinny!

But now he tells me that it has escaped. Over to you, Tim, for the latest instalment of this sorry tale...Tim? Are you still there? Tim?

Erm ... normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.

I've cracked it! The start of life, the universe and everything ...

Scientists wonder about this sort of thing. They mixed together hydrogen, carbon monoxide, ammonia and methane. That, and Bird's Custard Powder. Such a mixture was subjected to electrical discharge and ultraviolet light. Complex molecules were found to have formed in the mixture including sugars, nucleic acids and amino acids.

Thus began - Tim Leatherbarrow's Pinny Stains!!!!



Now, you will appreciate that Tim's pinny is something of a palimpsest, an historic document which should be available to benefit mankind; under current circumstances there is some danger that the existing historic layers could be subject to damage by, for example, over-zealous application of cleaning fluids or merely the depredation of Marigold Gloves.

I put it to him that maybe only having one pinny may be restricting his lifestyle, that the PCO would probably agree to having a whip-round in order to purchase another one, but was met with a near-hysterical reaction! Can you believe that?

All those stains could be digitally sampled and replicated, possibly for exhibition in museums in the UK and abroad, if he did not wish to sacrifice the original ones.

This is common with heritage sites where the pressure of tourism can be damaging to the fabric of the original; visitors can experience the general ambience of the monument but without causing it any trauma.

The application here is obvious: all those stains can be recorded, catalogued, documented and tastefully displayed. With an audio guide if appropriate. Health warnings may need to be issued of course, depending on the nature of the funding body. This would clearly facilitate the washing of the original garment, thereby greatly enhancing the image of Tim as househusband - a role he clearly cherishes.

But does he respond graciously to these suggestions? My **** does he?! In fact, he keeps threatening not to put his trousers back on ... more of this sorry tale can be accessed by clicking on the link in this post.

Street names, and their Meanings

During medieval times, the name of a street was a handy label which gave an indication as to its function. 'Baker Street' would be where all the bakers hawked their wares, for example. Some were particularly direct, e.g. 'Grope Lane' in Shrewsbury was, indeed, where prostitutes were to be had (in every sense of the word) and the original name was erm, even more Anglo-Saxon than the existing one.

Isn't history a wonderful thing?

However, I couldn't help noticing the address: 'Old Queen Street'. The offices of 'The Spectator' are situated on it. What do you make of that?

Illustration Friday - Contagious

This nasty new virus not only has its own postcode, but, being a combination of swine and avian flu, some species are particularly vulnerable to it. That's why they're rarely seen nowadays.

Dear Agony Auntie ...

My name is Rick. I only seem to get any attention around hay-making time, and then all people want to do is tie me up. All I want to do is enjoy some sunshine!

Can you help?

By the way, I'm usually full of harvest mice. Can you help with these?

Illustration Friday - Parade

The above parade is 'March Past of the Kitchen Utensils', a scene from Aristophanes' surreal masterpiece 'The Wasps'. The eponymous wasps are in fact jurors, and appear at the lower end of the picture. In fact there's nothing in this piece which shouldn't be there - it's all in Aristophanes.

Dear Agony Auntie,

My name is Rob. For some reason I have a totally undeserved reputation for dishonesty. My friend Nick has the same problem.

Please could you tell us what to do about this?

Illustration Friday - Heirarchy!

The tome which ranked Numero Uno in the heirarchy of un-put-downable books - 'A Concise History of Glue'