Illustration Friday - Worn

March is a terrible month for penguins. With all that walking about, their feet get really worn. Here they are, cheerfully looking forward to April 1st when they will be issued with corn plasters and remedial socks.

Dear Agony Auntie,

I met this girl in a bookshop, you know, one of those bookshops where you can sit down on a big floppy sofa with a cup of coffee. Anyway we got chatting about a book we'd both read recently: 'Where's Wally?' and I bought her a cup of coffee, too. She had to go, but left me her card which had her email address on it.

I emailed her to say that I'd enjoyed chatting to her, but that there would be insurmountable obstacles to a long term romantic relationship at this time. I told her that I didn't want her to have my babies (of either sex, number unspecified) in the foreseeable future. I told her not to be making plans for a white wedding because I don't believe in church weddings. (Well, I do believe in them in the sense that I think I've seen photographs of them, but I didn't want this girl to think I'd be marrying her in a church). I told her not to even THINK about the two of us buying a three-bed semi with front and back garden.

Well I think I was being a real man and being upfront and straightforward, so she'd know where she stands.

That was three weeks ago. She didn't reply to the email. I saw her in the high street today, and she appeared to be staring very hard into the window of a shop which sells surgical trusses and the like, and didn't turn to look at me. Then she seemed to dive into the doorway of the same shop, and I'm pretty sure it was her I saw sprinting at great speed down an alleyway as I approached.

What did I do wrong?

Yours,

'Tosser' Coyne

xx

Internet Spam Providers

I recently contacted my existing ISP, to ask for the Migration Code you need to give your new ISP when you sign up. The main reason for this is that my Inbox and, come to that, most of my other folders, are so full of the pink stuff that they can hardly move. The entire developing world could survive on the sandwiches made from the pink stuff that lurks in my computer.

I've tried everything; working on the "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em" school of philosophy, I even joined the Spam Club.

I'd contacted my ISP a while ago to see if they could change my email address; they couldn't.

But I digress ... I gave my details to the nice lady at the other end, and she was about to give me the elusive code; when she lost her Internet connection! Yesss!!!

And you'll be pleased to note that I didn't suggest she move to a new ISP ...

Illustration Friday - Drifting

Every year, about this time, the seed pods burst and the tiny rhinoceri can be seen drifting in the breeze before finding somewhere to germinate. Unfortunately, they can cause rhinitis if inhaled.

Dear Agony Auntie,

I wrote to you recently, mentioning how my relationship problems were due to my name - Rocky.

I have since changed my name, but girls still don't like me getting into their underwear. Can you help?

Yours,

Sandy xxx

Illustration Friday - When the wrapping paper is unfolded ...

This shows Betsy helping Cecil wrap up his great great grandma's birthday present. 'Hey!' he says! 'This will soon be my mummy's mummy's mummy's mummy!'

Growing Cultures and Stuff

Gilbert and Sullivan scored their first international hit with H.M.S. Pinafore (1878), satirising the rise of unqualified people to positions of authority. As with many of the Gilbert and Sullivan operas, a surprise twist changes everything dramatically near the end of the story – the item of protective clothing itself gets ideas above its station, causes a mutiny and heads off to sea with a bunch of pirates (not sure where they came from, the pirates. Newlyn, or Newquay or somewhere).

Apart from a minor hit single in 1990 and a compilation album in 1991, Gilbert and Sullivan were absent from the charts until H.M.S. Pinnystains returned them to the UK Top 20 in 2004. It’s just a matter of time before someone else performs this comic masterpiece. The sequel to the 19th century opera, it shows the pinafore in retirement, contemplating its future as a heritage site. It may even return to its first love, whose identity is never revealed in the earlier production ...

Illustration Friday - Craving!

Cravings can cause people to act in compulsive, irrational ways. This is even true of fictional figures.

Dear Agony Auntie,

I've seen this girl at church and I like her a lot. One time I sent her a romantic text message and she responded with 'Who the **** are you?', which obviously meant that she wanted to get to know me better, and as she looked up, I waved and grinned at her. OK, I haven't got many teeth, and those that I have tend to be very long, but it really was a cheerful smile.

She ran away screaming, and I followed her home. Being the romantic type, I waited until she'd gone to bed, borrowed a ladder from the next door neighbour and put it up to her bedroom window. OK it was without the neighbour's permission, but as he lay there unconscious he made no attempt to stop me, so he must have been OK with that, right?

Anyways, I climb up the ladder, bang on her window with a brick. OK it made a bit of a hole, but not that much of one, and I press my face to what was left of the window. Again, she ran off screaming.

I'm thinking that her feelings for me are so deep she just can't contain herself. She's really emotional about me, I can see. Since then, I've seen her around but she always runs away or tries to hide. What can I do to help her overcome her shyness?

Yours,

I. Pervert
xxx