The perils of drinking beer ...

If you persistently drink too much beer, look what happens to your toes! This is a example of a big toe affected by gout!

This occurs most commonly in men's toes, and is not only extremely painful, but may cause your digits to morph into the opposite sex. Not only that, but they get very noisy and can cause embarrassment in public places, the persistent squeaking making it sound as though you have a nest of mice in the turn-ups of your trousers.

If you find yourself afflicted by this distressing condition, you have several choices: wear those toesy socks with sandals, so that the affected bit can be reassured by being able to see the world, and will stop making quite so much noise. Or you can wear wear several pairs of thick socks, each pair slightly larger than the last, finishing with a pair of very fluffy slippers. The toe will continue to push forth the decibels, but you won't be able to hear them.

The perils of both methods are obvious - you will be written off as a prat with no dress sense, and people won't want to be be seen talking to you in public.

Or ... you can stop drinking beer and switch to wine instead!

N.B. This is a Party Political Broadcast on behalf of The Wine Society

Illustration Friday - Caution

Birds should always exercise caution when flying through custard showers. (Birds Custard showers, of course).

Everyone should have one of these ...!

This gorgeous little etching came to me courtesy of Debbie Greenaway completely out of the blue, so to speak, and I'm just SOOOO delighted with it! Her website also contains a link to her shop, and do check this out!

Anyway, I'm particularly pleased with the image because it shows how garden pests, as mentioned a couple of posts down, should be treated.

Observe how this apparently innocent little bird is actually wearing a mask, to ensure that his identity remains secret. He's actually a robber bird. The button he's holding is all that's left of an intruder after our birdie held a pistol to his ankle and told him to twitter off.

What better way to ensure the safety and sanctity of your tits, then?

EBay Warning

Sometimes you might think that items sold on eBay are fake, and therefore suspiciously cheap. However - be warned! The above illustration shows what happened to Doris Clappers of Timberhonger, Worcs, when she bought a crocodile bag for 60p - and then found it wasn't fake after all. The wiley seller had attached some artificial flora by way of decoration to make it look like an accessory ... and the rest is history.

All condolences to her family and also to the crododile itself, which had a nasty attack of indigestion shortly after the incident. And at least he didn't eat her shoes.

Dear Agony Auntie,

The other day I was walking down my front garden path, when a man said to me 'Nice tits!' and I said 'They are rather, aren't they? Would you like to come in and have a closer look?'

He readily agreed, and I took him out to my back garden, where there were plenty of exemplars of the genus Paridae. I pointed out cyanistes caeruleus, periparus ater and parus major. I pointed out that I had known cyanistes caeruleus to be described as 'featherus nibblius cheekii', but that this was probably something in the nature of a jape.

Then, right on cue, entered a small flock of aegithos caudatus and I explained that these do not belong to the genus Paridae at all, but to Aegithalidae, which are African birds more commonly known as 'babblers'.

To my surprise and horror, he said 'They aren't the only ones!' and attempted to grope me in the chest region. So I hit him over the head with a bird table, he jumped over the garden fence and I haven't seen him since. Of course, this disturbed all the feeding birds and it took a good half hour before normality was resumed.

Dear Agony Auntie, how can I prevent garden pests attempting to ruin my paradise of tranquility in the future? Do you think a hand grenade would help?

Yours sincerely,

Titty xxx

Illustration Friday - Wrapped

Our punk 'Dr Sketchy' model was wrapped in a strategically torn t-shirt. This was greatly appreciated by a bunch of 14-yr-old boys when she nipped out for a fag!

Actually I turned up with my multi-coloured sketch pad and discovered I'd left all my materials at home; the surface of the paper is pretty awful for everything except brush pen, so I did my drawings in pencil and then worked over them once I'd got home. I'm really getting into the brush pens - many thanks to Alex Hughes!

Just to show I can do normal paintings

This is a portrait I did of my long-standing friend Bridget - it is actually a 60th birthday present for her partner, and now I've presented it to him then I feel OK about sharing it openly on here.

I was an interesting exercise as she wanted it based on a particular photo which, as it happened, had very strong contrasts of light and shade - which look great in a photo, but really two-dimensional in a painting, especially one which is as small and intimate as this.

I couldn't have done it if it weren't for the fact that I know her really well, so there are elements of memory involved rather than just working from the photograph. It wouldn't have worked if it had been a photo of a stranger. I also had to put it away eventually or I'd have worked it to death!

Lore of the Jungle, Part II

Lore of the Jungle

And just HOW had Bertie got his natty human print? Come back tomorrow to find out!

Illustration Friday - Impatience

Monty's impatience to get his choir started had led him to dress up in a donkey suit and nip to Bremen to recruit some musicians ...