My girlfriend's behaving strangely.
The other day I suggested we had sex, and she came up with some crap excuse like 'Well this is a hospital and I'm swathed from head to foot in bandages and one of my legs is strapped up and I can't move it'. Actually it did look as though she might be able to move it a bit if she really wanted to, so another crap excuse there, too.
Yes, there did seem to be a few people around including a couple of very bossy nurses who were trying to tell me to get lost as the doctor needed to see her, but she was also using this as an excuse not to have a bit of rumpy-pumpy with me.
I think I should try and get another girlfriend. What do you think? There was someone in the next bed who was also swathed from head to foot in bandages, with one leg strapped up to a contraption, so I probably wouldn't know the difference anyway. And the one in the next bed might be less inhibited.
What shall I do?
5 comments:
Dear Swarthed,
Always remember that long term relationships rely on trust. Your longing, lustful looks at the next patient may well be provoking a negative response from your potentially comotose girlfriend. My advice to you is to stick with it. Remeber, "the other patients bandages are always whiter" .
Besides which, foreplay whilst in traction is not to everyones taste...
You're right - the bandages on the mummy in the next bed ARE whiter (possibly because I haven't had a chance to spill my lager on them yet). I'm also not sure if the person in the next bed is male or female, so am not sure whether they'd be likely to be full of crap excuses or not.
How do I get rid of these pain-in-the-arse nurses and doctors
Dear Swarthed,
The best way to be rid of Doctors / Nurses is to pretend to be extreamly ill - I guarantee they will leave you alone within 5 minutes, leaving the way to romance free for you and your unidentifiable partner.
One word of warning - stop pretending the moment a doctor/nurse approaches you with a set of buzzing paddles...
Dear Auntie,
I'm very good at pretending to be mentally ill - in fact, it seems to come quite naturally to me. According to the Mental Health Act 1989, I can't be medicated without I say so, unless I'm on a Section 3. They wouldn't have time to sort out the paperwork before I'd managed to penetrate the bandages and possibly crap excuses of the patient in the next bed (still not sure as to gender).
What do YOU think?
Dear Swarthed,
I think at this point, discretion is the better part of valor. Stay away from sharp objects, drink plenty of fluids (make sure they are not your own), and remember that the padded cell that you will soon be in will be warm and safe... as will we.
Lovingly, Auntie.
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