Should faces be visible at all times?

The Tory MP, Philip Hollobone, has launched a campaign to make it illegal for people to cover their faces in public, likening it to someone going around with a paper bag over their head. This totally fails to take into account the fact that, for some people, this particular item of head furniture would be welcomed by the rest of us who would otherwise have to look at them. People would be obliged to do things like wash, shave and wash their hair, or face ostracisation by the rest of society. It would mean that one can no longer be a slob in the privacy of one's own paper bag.

There will be a massive counter-campaign. It will be spearheaded, firstly, by employees of the Disney Corporation who make a living from going around disguised as Winnie the Pooh, Mickey Mouse, Pluto and their ilk. This heartless legislation would kill their profession at a stroke. Devotees of masked balls would not be far behind - especially those who would never stand a chance of 'pulling' members of the opposite sex if the true nature of their countenances was fully visible.

Brides would have to be fully revealed throughout. Gone would be the drama of the thrown back veil at the altar - thereby completely kyboshing that old option if they had a last-minute-change-of-heart ... that of getting a stand-in to, er, stand in whilst they leg it to Ibiza with a toyboy, using the honeymoon plane tickets.

Santa in his grotto would be a thing of the past. Gone would be the days when department stores could co-opt someone from the dole queue, fix them up with a fake nose, beard and eyebrows and a costume in imitation of the mid-winter-sprite. No, it would be necessary for the real Santa to attend Beatties or Rackhams. Then parents would have to start doing present-buying and all that stuff, as Santa would be too busy.

And think of the devastating effects it would have on professions such as bank robbing, cat burgling and other forms of raiding which historically have comprised the mask industry's chief customers. Their place in society would probably be taken by the now redundant Santas, Winnies, Mickeys, Plutos, Pudseys etc etc - and what a headf**k that would be!

In truth, this bill is unlikely to reach the statute books because it does not have the backing of the major parties. This must be because they have truly taken the time to think things through, and not dive in with legislation which will shake our society to the core - without raising any revenue.