Dear Agony Auntie,

The other day I was walking down my front garden path, when a man said to me 'Nice tits!' and I said 'They are rather, aren't they? Would you like to come in and have a closer look?'

He readily agreed, and I took him out to my back garden, where there were plenty of exemplars of the genus Paridae. I pointed out cyanistes caeruleus, periparus ater and parus major. I pointed out that I had known cyanistes caeruleus to be described as 'featherus nibblius cheekii', but that this was probably something in the nature of a jape.

Then, right on cue, entered a small flock of aegithos caudatus and I explained that these do not belong to the genus Paridae at all, but to Aegithalidae, which are African birds more commonly known as 'babblers'.

To my surprise and horror, he said 'They aren't the only ones!' and attempted to grope me in the chest region. So I hit him over the head with a bird table, he jumped over the garden fence and I haven't seen him since. Of course, this disturbed all the feeding birds and it took a good half hour before normality was resumed.

Dear Agony Auntie, how can I prevent garden pests attempting to ruin my paradise of tranquility in the future? Do you think a hand grenade would help?

Yours sincerely,

Titty xxx