Dear Agony Auntie,

I am nearly as unlucky in love as my cousin, Douchebag Cootiebiscuits, but he suggested that I contact Mismatch.com in my endeavours to find true romance. Well, I went on a date with this wonderful girl - a proper Lady she was, claimed to be a cartoon character - and afterwards I sent her an email to tell her what a wonderful time I'd had.

I sent her a nice picture of a werewolf, and said that although I'd sent her this picture of a werewolf it didn't mean at all that I thought she had excess facial hair and big teeth. To cheer her up and remind her of me, I also sent her a nice little video:



But just to be sure, I told her that I didn't think she had a big bum at all, and not at all to think she did, or that I might think she did and so on. Well done, old lad, I thought - think I've made a conquest there!

Well, like dear old Douchebag, I discovered that women are shallow.

I went round to see her soon afterwards and knocked on the door. I could see she had moved from the living room into the hallway, and I was looking forward to her opening the door to me. For extra dramatic effect I was not wearing any clothes on my bottom half and had painted a Union Jack on my face.

However, she didn't open the door. I'm sure she must have looked out through the spyhole. And then a strange voice in a sort of strange Eastern European accent came through the letterbox: 'Is that the rent man? I'm not in, if it is!' It sort of sounded like her but the accent was all wrong.

And when I went to look through the letterbox I couldn't see anyone there! Spooky, eh?

After a few more minutes of me banging on the front door and yodelling, her next door neighbour came out and told me to **** off, and threw an eel at me.

Now I'm beginning to think she's just not that into me. What do you think? Do you think I stand a chance of a second date?

Sincerely,

Wurzelbanger Grannikins xxx