Gardening News

The following was originally published in Foghorn (you can get your own online subscription, absolutely FREE) but for those of you who can't be bothered to look at back issues, here's a time-saving tip; read the gardening column here, yes, right here! Seek no further...!

As summer rolls on, and all creatures great and small nibble your penstemons -welcome to the Foghorn Potting Shed. Tucked safely inside are Gordon Honkmonster, Binkie Homebrew and Euphorbia Marmelade; delving into the postbag is that loamy old veteran, Alan Goatrouser.

Our first letter is from Ivan Dumpwell, curator of the Glossop Weed Museum, who writes:

“Dear Foghorn,

I’ve noticed a lot of bright red things making whoopee on my lilies, and now the lilies look like brussels sprouts stalks, but after the sprouts have been picked. What's going on?”

Gordon says:

“Sounds like an invasion of scarlet lily beetles. Their disgusting grubs will eat. And eat. They also cover themselves in stuff to protect themselves from birds – mostly chewed-up copies of ‘Clay Pigeon Shooting’ magazine and suchlike. Proprietary Bugblaster will help, but it’s better to pick the blighters off with a few carefully aimed bricks. You might want to use gloves. Better still, get someone else to do it.”

That should sort ‘em out, Ivan! So, onto our second poser; this time it’s an email from Suzi Nutcrusher in Bude. Suzi says she's new to gardening and is a self-confessed airhead. Sounds fun, Suzi!

Her question is:

“What do you think about keeping an alligator in a pond that you're also hoping to have ducks in? I'd like to get an alligator, but would it eat the ducks?”

Well, Euphorbia's got her hand up, but Binkie hasn't noticed. Off you go, Binkie!

“An alligator would not only eat the ducks, but any careless pets or bits of wildlife and probably your neighbours, too. The advantages are that cats will stop using your borders for a quick dump, and you won’t be pestered by little boys asking for their football back. Just remember to wait until it’s asleep before trying to mow the lawn.”

Well, that’s all we’ve got time for today, readers, but keep those letters coming! The Foghorn Potting Shed can be contacted by all the usual channels, plus table-rapping and ouija. Unfortunately the panel won’t reply to letters individually, because they can’t be arsed and make it all up anyway.