If you persistently drink too much beer, look what happens to your toes! This is a example of a big toe affected by gout!
This occurs most commonly in men's toes, and is not only extremely painful, but may cause your digits to morph into the opposite sex. Not only that, but they get very noisy and can cause embarrassment in public places, the persistent squeaking making it sound as though you have a nest of mice in the turn-ups of your trousers.
If you find yourself afflicted by this distressing condition, you have several choices: wear those toesy socks with sandals, so that the affected bit can be reassured by being able to see the world, and will stop making quite so much noise. Or you can wear wear several pairs of thick socks, each pair slightly larger than the last, finishing with a pair of very fluffy slippers. The toe will continue to push forth the decibels, but you won't be able to hear them.
The perils of both methods are obvious - you will be written off as a prat with no dress sense, and people won't want to be be seen talking to you in public.
Or ... you can stop drinking beer and switch to wine instead!
N.B. This is a Party Political Broadcast on behalf of The Wine Society
9 comments:
Read your very educational gardening feature, but theres no mention of how to get rid of 15ft triffids invading the front and back gardens, they've killed half the neighbourhood and the rest of the neighbours are blind. What do i do ,as the electric mower is useless?
And you scared me , i thought i had gout with my sqeaky toes, i had totally forgotten about the mice and guinea pigs i keep in my turn ups, and lest we forget, the ferrets!
seeker of knowledge Tim xx
I have it on good authority from a friend of a friend of a friend that this individual didn't get gout from overindulging in beer drinking. The individual, apparently, likes eating sild and herrings which is also known to cause the condition, among many other foodstuffs. Also, wine is just as bad for causing it - so this friend of a friend etc. has claimed. Drinking melon juice is good for clearing it as is eating lots of cherries - so this friend of a, oh you know. Personally, I think the idea of a transexual big toe is, quite frankly, ridiculous and very, very silly.
Hi Ger! I suspect that it was this friend of a friend of a friend of yours who sent this photo anonymously to the chief librarian at Puflet Palace. You don't happen to have seen anyone with a toe like this, do you?
Good gracious no, Cathy. The very thought....
Oh my! What a fabulous article! But it left me wondering... if you are a girl do you get manly toes???
Erm - I'm not sure Emily. I'll have to find out more from that friend of a friend of a friend of Gerard Whyman ...
I'm a friend of a friend, but i deny everything
Innocent Tim xx
Took your tip about the greenfly. Went to greenfly 'r' us bought 742,000..(buy 300,000, get 300,000 free)...Had limited success. Now have the remains of 742,000 triffid blinded greenfly buzzing all over the place, you will not believe the places 742,000 blinded greenfly get to, i'm too much of a gentlespoon to tell you.
Which way round do the wires go in the mower plug?
Tim & 742,000 greenflies xxxx
Ha ha! Very silly and made me smile. Love your modest little character.
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