My girlfriend dumped me after only three dates and I don't know why. I think we'd have been ideally suited because she has a tumble-dryer, and I'm fed up with drying my socks in the toaster, and I'm sure I'd eventually have learned how to use a condom.
As part of trying to win her back, I've been leaving witty little messages wherever I can on the web - just taking the p***, you know. She hasn't responded. So she must be a slag, or a lezzer, and has a lot of baggage and is childish and has no sense of humour. She hasn't responded to my emails, either, and I did send her one where I told her I'd rumbled her and that's why she's gone quiet.
Well, I've since found out that she was forwarding my emails to her friends, and they were all sitting around laughing at them. Apparently she's also said something like "Well, if I was TRYING to make him look a total plonker in public, I couldn't have done a better job than the one he's managed on his own!"
I am deeply hurt by this. How can I get my revenge without looking like a total plonker?
Yours,
Wendlebury Bandersnatch (aged 17)
xxx
4 comments:
Dear Wendlebury,
You have just learned the first lesson in the ancient knowledge we call "youaresnevergonnawinthisonedo". Better you fall on your sword now, and save yourself the humiliation that you so rightly deserve.
Loves and Kisses
Auntie.
Dear Auntie Hypervox,
Thank you for talking some sense into Wendlebury. I just wish he'd leave these girls alone - he hasn't a clue what to do with them anyway - and just got on with tidying his bedroom.
I think you should put itching powder in her crotchless panties.
You may need to stitch them first.
Dear Leonard,
First of all I thought that this was a very good idea, but it would mean I'd have to sneak into her underwear drawer and "borrow" them first. She's bound to catch me footling around in there and then she'll take a photo of me and put in on FaceBook and I'll look an even bigger plonker than I do at the moment.
Could you get them for me?
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